LOOKING BACK

                                                 

 It's been two years since the last post, looking back not much has changed except that I QUIT my job!! I gathered the courage to do so after my grandma passed away,I think that was the final trigger. I realized how short life is and not living it to your satisfaction is unacceptable. I have no regrets whatsoever because everything that  happened has brought me where i am today, I wouldn't say i am very happy today but i made peace with myself. The hardest part of my day is the right when i hit the bed and try to sleep,the duration between hitting the bed and sliding into sleep is the most torturous time. I always look back over and over to find out where i went wrong. i know it's unnecessary but i can't control my mind for some stupid reason!

So,one fine day it became crystal clear. It all started with a relationship which i can now proudly name it as toxic. Personally i think the first year of college is very tricky, because you need to find the right set of friends that you can connect to and to have that stable and not so sick mentality is a must. My first year was the mother of my troubles i guess. I got the greatest friends ever, but, I always wanted someone to love me because i stayed away from home and i thought having someone close to your heart is nice! Long story short i accepted when my friend proposed me, i was kinda forced into accepting because he made it very emotional like the blackmail kind. I didn't know how to love,i always thought this love is the same one as the way you love your parents,but boy was i wrong!! And now starts the harassment i didn't know you're supposed to hold hands when you're in love or sit next to each other or not talk to other guys or smile at strangers( I always thought its nice to smile, still do) or doing favours which clearly are not needed.  Its like shouting to the world that you're in love, isn't it enough if you both know it?! I guess not. But anyway i dint like the way he treated me or others for that matter. I made it clear to him that he's never above my parents and also he's not my husband and that i have my limits and i wanted him to respect them. He used to verbally abuse me and call it love, i dint get the meaning of it though. I always wanted to get out of that relationship but i wasn't brave enough. He completely killed my personality,my confidence, my esteem. Somehow but god's grace we ended the relation after four fricking years!!!Its better late than never, right? I wouldn't completely blame him. Its just that I couldn't be the person he needed and he wasn't the person i needed. We were a couple of mismatched puzzle pieces ,may be there's a perfect fit puzzle piece somewhere else! On the bright side, now i know what to look in a partner. Isn't that something!!

Its been an year now and its surprising how time heals everything, but I think I am still scarred. It gives me chills everytime i look back. I read a line recently which made me feel better, it says..

                                               "I'll never love like that again".
                             
                               "You're right,but that doesn't mean you wont love better".

Hope it makes you feel better too!!